Testimonial; God's Work in My Life

I was goofing off with my friend who was sitting next to me in Sunday school. We were in the 2nd grade. The teacher stopped us and asked us to pray a prayer with them. A prayer that would make our parents very happy. So, of course I said this prayer with the teacher. I wanted my parents to be happy. I had no idea what the words meant, or what I was doing. This prayer was the classic "sinner's prayer." I do not believe that I was saved at that time. My prayer was ungenuine and only to make my parents happy. I had no true concept of my desperate need of a savior. 

Nearing the end of 2012, my great grandmother died. My children's church group had been talking about idols, things that are valued more than God, and how idols have to be taken away. In my mind, I had idolized my great grandmother, so God took her away from me. I felt like a murderer, and God was a moral monster. I prayed that night for God to leave me alone. I told Him that I hated Him and wanted nothing to do with Him. 

I hid this from my family. Something to note about me: I have always been a people pleaser, sometimes to my own detriment. I held my pain inside, put on a smile, pretended to be fine, went to church with my family like nothing was wrong, and I would sit alone and contemplate why I was on this earth, and what I was supposed to do with my life. I was alone and confused. I felt isolated, disconnected, and invisible. I would smile at people with my heart breaking inside of me, and they would smile back and only see my mask. All I wanted was someone to see me, the real me, to see past my mask and know how the real me felt. I wanted someone that I could be real with. 

I was homeschooled, which was a huge blessing for my education because of my dyslexia and slowed learning. The downside was that I barely saw people, and I never met new people. I had the same homeschool group since I was 3 years old. After my great grandmother's death, my family moved churches. I started to open up a little, talking with people. I was afraid to make a friend, worried that a spiteful and jealous God would kill them if I got too close, but I desperately wanted and needed someone to see me. I needed fellowship with someone. 

My mom signed me up for the new American Heritage Girls troop, and I made a friend. I was careful, and I kept my mask on. But in the spring of 2016, everything changed. American Heritage Girls had a mother daughter tea party that evening. My mom and I went together, and we sat by my friend and her mom. The guest speaker began to talk about how God loved us unconditionally. That word, "unconditionally," caught my ear. The speaker talked about how God forgives all the wrong things we have done in our lives, and He wants us to know His love. She told us the story of how God sent His son, Jesus, to die for our sins. Someone loved me so much that He would lay down His life for me. I was blown away. I realized all of the things, the brokenness, the sin in my life, and realized that I needed help. Hearing how God loved me, I was able to reconcile what happened with my great grandmother. I knew that I needed God to save me, and I wanted Him to. But the speaker continued. She told us how when we accept Jesus as our savior, God adopts us into His Heavenly family. The King of Creation, God of the Universe, The Holy One, wanted me, a broken and sinful mess, to join His family. I gave my heart to God that evening, and my life was changed forever. 

I began to read my Bible, searching desperately for God. I wanted to get to know Him, who He was, who Christ was, and who I was now that I was adopted into their family. I slowly began to take off my mask, showing my friend who I really was. I even made another friend. I was challenged over the summer to write down Bible verses that stook out to me in my Bible reading, so I did. When summer came to an end, I saw that all of the verses were about sharing God/Jesus/the Gospel with others, and some verses about church order and conduct. God was starting to work in my heart, revealing a plan of ministry for me. 

Life was going smoothly, until it all of a sudden wasn't. My new friend came up to me on a beach trip and told me that they were done with having friends. They told me that we needed to stop hanging out. I then watched as they walked over to their new friends and continued to enjoy the rest of the beach trip with them. It felt like a knife had been plunged into my heart. I offered this friend my everything, my loyalty and honesty, and I would have been willing to do anything for them. And they just walked away. I was crushed. That was Friday. The following Wednesday, my last friend left, the one I met at American Heritage Girls, came up to me and told me that they needed to take a break from our friendship. They said that they needed to make other friends, and that they thought that I wouldn't like their new friends, so they had to walk away from our friendship. That week I went from having two friends to having none. I was alone again, hurt and crushed. I felt so betrayed. But I had God, so I knew I was not alone. God became my closest and only friend. 

Satan took this time as an opportunity for spiritual attack. I began to have dreams nearly every night. The dream was almost the same every time. A normal dream, but then everything pauses. I turn around to see a young girl with long blond hair and a white knee length dress holding the leash of her black shaggy dog. She would say something along the lines of, "No one wants you here. You should just end it." "No one can see you. You're invisible. You should just kill yourself." "Look at your life. You're so alone. You should just go to heaven where everything will be so much better." The girl would then let go of the dog's leash, and the dog would charge at me and kill me. Because of this, I discovered that there is something wrong in my brain that takes my pain in my dreams and makes it real, even in the waking world. I would wake up from being eaten alive, and I would feel excruciating pain in my spine and in my stomach. Every night I had to think of a reason to stay alive, because I did want to kill myself. 

I went months like this, holding it in and not telling anyone. I was ashamed of these thoughts. One night I had the dream, the girl said "God wants you. Why don't you go meet Him in heaven?" I woke up after being eaten, writhing in my bed in pain. I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. I cried out to God in desperation, asking him for anything. Any reason to live. I had lost all purpose. I had a small though in the back of my mind that stuck. "Surrender your life to Me. I will take care of you and bring you home once you have finished My plan for your life." I couldn't shake the thought. It wasn't mine. That night I gave my physical life to God. I put my trust in Him. 

The following day, I went to my mom and told her what was going on. I told her about the dreams and asked her for advice. My mom gave me the best piece of advice that I have ever heard, and it had kept me going through every hard time. She told me that "God has a list of influential people for His Kingdom, the people who will bring others to Christ with them. It's God's list of faithful servants who will make a difference in this world. Satan has the same list, but for Satan it's his hitlist. If Satan can get people to take themselves out of this world, he can stop them from hurting him and helping God." My mom looked me in the eyes and told me that she thought that I was on that list. She encouraged me, telling me that I was going to make a difference and that I was going to encourage and help people find God. The next time I had a nightmare I stood up in my room and spoke out loud, "You are only making me stronger! THe more you attack, the stronger I get! And the stronger I get, the better I will be able to serve God. So go ahead! Hit me with your best shot! All you are doing is harming yourself and helping me grow closer to God and serve Him better! Satan, GET BEHIND ME!" I saw a litter flash of light, dim and red, right in front of my face. Everything felt peaceful after that, and the nightmares stopped. I knew then that God was calling me to ministry, to further His Kingdom and tell others about Him. 

Fast forward a little bit to senior year of high school. I knew I wanted to do ministry, but I was trying to figure out which college. Did I want to do apologetics? Women's ministry? Youth ministry? I was still trying to figure out where God wanted me. I had a college in mind, but I had to pray to God, asking him to give me a sign if He wanted me to go there or somewhere else. Just after I prayed to God, my mom came into my room to tell me about how because of a crazy domino effect of financial things lining all up, my first full year of college at where I was thinking would be "free." I would not have to pay anything out of pocket. Then tuition would be completely free the following three years. It was clear, God was making a way. I chose that college and am now a current full-time student studying church ministry. I am in an accelerated program to get my masters in a total of five years with a minor in counseling psychology. I hope to go into some form of discipleship ministry, being able to work with individuals and be able to have a relationship-based teaching style focused on growth and depth. I figured that it could be fun and beneficial to start this blog, and a good way to begin helping those who wish to dive deeper into their faith and grow in the Lord. 

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for the good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28